It’s Not Just You – It’s Both of Us: Rethinking Love and Connection Today
Introduction: Do Men and Women Still Like Each Other?
Why does it feel like relationships are harder to maintain than ever before? We all want connection, yet it seems so elusive. It’s like the old saying: “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
What is really going on? Why is there such a disconnect? Are we getting into relationships because we truly want to or because it feels like something we are supposed to do?
We see friends getting married, only to divorce a few years later. People just can’t seem to handle the stress of relationships anymore. There is a huge disconnect from one another – and it seems to stem from being disconnected from ourselves. Often, we don’t know what we want, yet we expect our partners to fulfill our needs. The result? We project our pain onto each other without taking responsibility for our own healing.
The truth is that societal and cultural patterns spanning generations have deeply impacted how we connect. The balance of masculine and feminine energies – once the cornerstone of strong, lasting relationships – has been disrupted by emotional avoidance and unhealed trauma. These patterns are now coming to the surface, forcing us to confront the disconnection they have created. Understanding this misalignment is the first step to uncovering what relationships truly need to thrive.
2. How Did We End Up Here? Fathers and Mothers Out of Sync
Before we can further discuss the modern relationship, it’s crucial to understand our conditioning. Many of the struggles in today’s relationships are deeply rooted in the unresolved trauma of previous generations. The dynamics between fathers and mothers – often shaped by their own wounds and unmet needs – have been unconsciously passed down, influencing how we connect, communicate, and perceive our worth. These inherited patterns ripple through generations, perpetuating cycles of disconnection and dysfunction.
Generational trauma is subtle but profound. Our grandparents, shaped by societal norms, war, or economic instability, raised their children with survival as the priority. Emotions were often suppressed to “keep it together” — to avoid being a burden and to project strength. While these survival mechanisms served a purpose in their time, they have left a legacy of disconnection that we now navigate in our relationships.
Fathers’ Emotional Unavailability
In many families, fathers focused on providing for their loved ones – ensuring food was on the table and bills were paid. While this role was vital, it often came at the cost of emotional connection, leaving a significant gap in the family dynamic.
Daughters, eager for validation, would strive to earn their fathers’ love by excelling in school or mirroring their interests. For example, a daughter might develop a love of sports simply to feel closer to her father, hoping to bridge the emotional distance. With mothers often focused on sons, daughters turned to their fathers to fill the void. But when fathers remained emotionally distant, this pursuit often felt futile, planting a deep belief that love had to be earned.
Sons, on the other hand, lacked a role model for emotional expression. Fathers who prioritized work and discipline modelled a version of masculinity that valued control and achievements over vulnerability. A boy might learn early on that expressing sadness or fear could lead to ridicule or dismissal. This disconnection left many men ill-equipped to process their emotions or provide emotional safety for others, perpetuating cycles of detachment in their relationships.
Mothers’ Emotional Burden
To fill the gap left by emotionally unavailable husbands, many mothers leaned heavily on their children for emotional support. This was often an unconscious attempt to meet their own need to feel seen and valued. For example, a mother might dote excessively on her son, shielding him from consequences or indulging his every whim, inadvertently teaching him dependency and entitlement.
Daughters observed their mothers’ self-sacrifice, internalizing the belief that their worth lay in serving others. They often heard phrases like, “Be a good girl and give this to your father,” or “Be a good sister and help your brother,”while noticing their mothers consistently prioritized everyone else’s needs over their own. Over time, these dynamics taught daughters that self-sacrifice was the measure of love, leaving them overextending themselves in relationships and neglecting their own needs.
The Long-Term Impact
Over time, these dynamics created cycles of disconnection within families.
• Sons often failed to develop emotional awareness, leaving them unprepared to meet their partners’ needs.
• Daughters struggled with boundaries and self-worth, finding themselves in unbalanced relationships.
These patterns shaped a family dynamic where both sons and daughters inherited generational wounds, perpetuating the very dysfunction they experienced growing up. The emotional distance between parents not only strained their marriage but also became a template for how their children viewed relationships – teaching them to either overgive or shut down entirely.
Modern Connections to These Patterns
As societal roles shifted, with women entering the workforce and traditional structures breaking down, these inherited patterns have collided with modern expectations. Today, relationships require emotional reciprocity, vulnerability, and shared responsibilities – qualities many of us were never taught. Instead, we are left navigating old wounds in a world demanding new ways of being. Recognizing these generational dynamics is the first step toward healing the divide and creating relationships that thrive in today’s world.
3. Falling Apart: The State of Modern Relationships
The dynamics we observed in our parents’ relationships profoundly shape our own patterns of connection and disconnection. For many, these early lessons did not teach us how to thrive in love but instead how to survive it. Without understanding these patterns, they continue to play out, keeping us trapped in cycles of disconnection. Sons and daughters alike find themselves repeating what they saw, often without realizing it.
Sons and Their Struggles
Sons raised by emotionally unavailable fathers internalized the belief that vulnerability is a weakness. Fathers often modelled masculinity as stoic and unyielding, prioritizing discipline over emotional openness. As a result, many sons grew up unable to recognize or express their feelings, leaving them emotionally disconnected from themselves and others. For example, a son who was told to “man up” or criticized for crying may grow into a man who suppresses his emotions, finding it difficult to connect with his partner on a deeper level.
At the same time, overindulgent mothers seeking emotional connection often shielded their sons from accountability. For instance, a mother who cleaned up after her son’s messes or excused his bad behaviour taught him to rely on others to handle consequences. This lack of responsibility carried into adulthood, where he may unconsciously expect his partner to fulfill the same caretaking role.
The result is a man who struggles to balance his emotional needs with his partner’s, often leaning too heavily on her to manage the relationship’s emotional labour. This imbalance can lead to:
• Resentment from his partner, who feels unsupported.
• Emotional disconnection, as he avoids vulnerability.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as workaholism, addiction, or even unfaithfulness, as he seeks external validation to fill an internal void.
Daughters and Their Struggles
Observing their mothers’ self-sacrifice, daughters learned that love means putting others first. These women grew up with the belief that their value lies in how much they can give or how well they can meet others’ needs. A daughter who watched her mother neglect her own desires to care for her family internalized this pattern, carrying it into her own relationships. She may find herself overgiving, suppressing her individuality, and feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness while neglecting her own well-being.
In addition, emotionally unavailable fathers left daughters with a sense of longing. They sought validation from their fathers, striving for love that often felt out of reach. This dynamic planted the seed for future relationships where they chased emotionally distant or narcissistic partners, hoping to heal the wounds of the past. For example:
• A woman might find herself attracted to partners who mirror her father’s emotional inaccessibility, believing she can “fix” or “earn” their love.
• Alternatively, she may become overly self-reliant, avoiding intimacy altogether out of fear of rejection or abandonment.
Both patterns leave daughters emotionally drained, struggling to set boundaries or trust themselves in relationships.
Breaking Free
Understanding these dynamics is the first step to breaking free from their grip. We can begin to rewrite the script when we recognize how our upbringing shaped our approach to love. Instead of blaming ourselves or our partners, we can approach our relationships with compassion and a commitment to growth. Healing the modern relationship requires us to confront the patterns we inherited and the stories we’ve told ourselves about love, worth, and connection.
4. Connecting the Dots: How Upbringing Shapes Relationships
When children grow up observing emotionally disconnected or imbalanced dynamics, it skews their understanding of love, trust, and vulnerability. These early experiences shape how they approach relationships and often push them toward one of two roles:
1. The Overgiver:
These individuals pour everything into their relationships, often neglecting themselves in the process. They believe their worth lies in how much they can provide – whether emotionally, physically, or materially – mistaking self-sacrifice for love.
2. The Taker:
Sometimes manifesting as narcissistic tendencies, these individuals expect indulgence and care without reciprocation. They have been conditioned to prioritize their own needs in relationships, often at the expense of their partner’s well-being.
Though seemingly opposite, these roles often attract one another, creating a dynamic of imbalance and frustration.
Attraction to Narcissistic Partners
Daughters who grew up with emotionally distant fathers or self-sacrificing mothers often find themselves drawn to narcissistic partners. This dynamic occurs for two key reasons:
• Familiarity Feels Safe:
Even though the emotional distance or control in such relationships is dysfunctional, it mirrors the environment of their childhood and feels “normal.”
• A Need to Heal:
Subconsciously, they may seek out partners who resemble their emotionally unavailable fathers or critical mothers, believing that if they can earn this person’s love, they will heal the wounds of the past.
For example, a woman who grew up with a father who rarely acknowledged her emotions may partner with someone who is similarly dismissive. In trying to “fix” the relationship, she attempts to rewrite the narrative of her childhood, often at her own expense.
The Risk of Becoming Narcissistic
On the flip side, children who experience overindulgence, invalidation, neglect or narcissistic parental modelling may develop narcissistic traits themselves. These traits are not inherent flaws but often emerge as coping mechanisms for unresolved emotional wounds:
• Overindulgence:
A child who is catered to without accountability may grow up feeling entitled and struggling with empathy.
• Invalidation:
Constantly being pressured to perform or meet high standards can push children to seek external validation, creating a facade of superiority to mask feelings of inadequacy.
• Neglect:
Emotional neglect fosters reliance on external sources for self-worth, driving behaviours aimed at being seen and valued.
• Trauma Response:
In some cases, narcissistic tendencies arise as a way to regain control or dominance after experiencing trauma, creating a protective barrier against further hurt.
How This Creates Relationship Disconnect
When one partner assumes the role of Overgiver and the other becomes a Taker, the relationship dynamic becomes toxic. The Overgiver becomes emotionally drained and resentful, while the Taker feels entitled to receive love and care without making an effort to meet their partner’s needs.
This imbalance leaves both partners disconnected from the deep, reciprocal love they crave. Instead, the relationship becomes a battleground of unmet needs and unresolved wounds, preventing authentic connection and fulfillment.
Connecting This to Today
These inherited patterns don’t just shape individual relationships – they influence entire generations. In today’s world, where independence and emotional awareness are increasingly emphasized, many people are left unprepared to navigate the vulnerabilities of connection. By understanding how our upbringing influences our relationships, we can begin to unlearn these patterns and create a new foundation for love.
5. Breaking the Cycle: A Path Toward Connection
To heal these patterns and create fulfilling relationships, we must first acknowledge and address the dynamics we have inherited. Many of these behaviours are rooted in generational disconnection, passed down from grandparents to parents and now to us. While these patterns may feel ingrained, they are not permanent. Recognizing and transforming them is the first step toward healthier, more connected relationships.
For Overgivers
If you find yourself constantly giving in relationships, often to your own detriment, consider the following steps:
• Redefine Your Worth:
Understand that your value is intrinsic and not tied to how much you give or sacrifice. You are deserving of love and care simply for being who you are.
• Set Boundaries:
Learn to say no without guilt. Boundaries are not walls – they’re a way to protect your energy and prioritize your well-being. Start small, perhaps by carving out time for self-care or limiting how much emotional labor you take on for others.
• Learn to Receive:
Allow others to give to you without feeling like you owe them something in return. Practice accepting compliments, help, or support with grace, understanding that relationships thrive on reciprocity.
For Takers or Those with Narcissistic Tendencies
If you struggle with meeting your partner’s needs or feel entitled to care and attention, try these steps:
• Own Your Growth:
Take responsibility for your emotional development. Reflect on your past behavior and how it may have contributed to imbalances in your relationships. Growth starts with accountability.
• Foster Mutual Respect:
Practice giving as much as you receive. This doesn’t mean losing yourself – it means valuing your partner’s needs and creating a foundation of equality and care.
• Build Emotional Awareness:
Explore your inner world. Journaling, therapy, or simply taking time to reflect can help you understand your emotions and how they affect your actions. Developing empathy for your partner’s feelings is key.
Generational Impact
The work we do on ourselves ripples outward. By healing our own wounds, we interrupt the chain of disconnection that has rippled through generations. This transformation creates a legacy of emotional awareness, mutual respect, and authentic connection.
When we embrace this path of healing, we not only change our own relationships but also give the next generation the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling connections – ensuring that the patterns of the past no longer define the future.
6. Conclusion: Reclaiming Balance in Relationships
Relationships today are yearning for balance – a space where both partners feel seen, supported, and aligned. While the challenges we face may feel overwhelming, they are also an invitation to grow. By acknowledging the generational and energetic misalignments we’ve inherited, we gain the power to break free from old patterns and create relationships that aren’t just lasting but deeply fulfilling.
Healing starts with awareness, compassion, and intentional action. Each small step you take toward understanding yourself and showing up differently creates a ripple effect – not just in your relationships but in the legacy you leave behind.
What small step can you take today to bring more balance, vulnerability, or understanding to your relationships?
• Can you take a moment to reflect on how generational patterns have influenced your dynamics?
• Is there a conversation you’ve been avoiding that could foster deeper understanding?
Start with one boundary or self-care practice that supports your own emotional well-being. It’s never too late to change, to heal, and to rewrite the story of love for yourself and the generations to come.
The journey to healing relationships begins with you!
Want to dive deeper into topics like this? Follow me on Instagram at @evolvewithmonika for more insights, reflections, and tools to help you align with your most authentic self.
